I Need to Know

While today isn’t as dark, all the words above are true.  I know where Ben was in those 2-3 seconds.  He felt trapped, desperate, and had no way out of the pain he was feeling. I wish he could have thought for 2-3 more seconds about what he was doing.  I know the moment after, he regretted doing it.  He would never want to cause any of us the extreme grief we are all experiencing.  We can’t stand to have him gone, but I hope he is in a place surrounded by family and friends that have gone before him...that his grandfathers, Bishop Arnold, Tyler Smith and others were there to greet him.  The unconditional love he feels there helps him to know we will only grieve for a short time.  But for us it will feel like forever.  I miss him so much.  I hope he knows how much I love him.  I hope he knows that I can’t wait to hug him again.  

Many times, I wanted to know why Heavenly Father didn’t intervene and stop him.  Even through the pain, we know we have been blessed.  Heavenly Father has taken great care to make sure we have had as much love and support as possible.  We were never supposed to move. (The story about how we bought and sold a house because Heavenly Father needed us to be here is for another post.) We needed to be in the Heather Glen area, where people have known Ben since he was born.  We need to know that Ben will never be forgotten.  Ben touched too many lives… but again that is why I wonder why he wasn’t stopped.  Didn’t he have so many other people to help and support? Didn’t he have a family to raise and teach?  Did Heavenly Father need him more than we did? I can only hope so.  I'm trying to have faith that He did. Heavenly Father needed his strong, loyal spirit to teach those in the spirit world that only Ben could reach.  Work hard Ben ❤